ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
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Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work