ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
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Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this