ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
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me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool