ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
live, laugh, laundry.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus