ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
A completely valid reaction tbh
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Whoa… oh I see lol
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.