ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
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Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.