ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
That time Alicia messaged me
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.