Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.