me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
when there are deer in the woods
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Tier 3 meme
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.