Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
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robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Beauty and the Beast
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”