Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
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thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived