Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.