Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
had to make it
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?