me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
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BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!