me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
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I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
next level snooze
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked