Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.