Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.