Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!