Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
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A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
The pasta is now
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money