ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
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Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
is this meant to deter me
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
How do you like your Corgi?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.