me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.