Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
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i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me: