Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
The human personality is made of five key elements
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.