Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.