Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
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My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
pls suprot
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
WWE is French for “yes”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.