ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.