me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course