wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
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I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?