me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
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must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
How dude HOW?!
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
greetings!
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.