Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.