Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on