Herpes is trending, good job people
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I feel it
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.