ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,