ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
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So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
ouch
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.