be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God