STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
You Might Also Like
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay