The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Girl, same.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time