Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me