After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
normalize having existential bread
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
The “baby” on the left….
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise