Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
You Might Also Like
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Oh my God.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Otters drive ottermobiles.