Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
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If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that