Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
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Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.