me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
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Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
At least he brought enough for everyone
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Oceanography is all about current events