Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
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[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
#MeanwhileinCanada
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH