Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
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Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Great game to play with friends
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.