Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
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Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.