Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
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When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?