Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
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*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.