Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
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Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away