Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!